My Sweet Fei Fei,
We are on a train to your province right now - and as I look out the window at the country you were born in passing by, I am overcome with so many emotions, questions and prayers. When we started out on a journey to find you - almost two years ago - I had no idea what my heart would be feeling at this moment - and now that it’s here - I still can’t completely decipher my thoughts.
I wonder if your nanny has had any time to prepare you to meet us tomorrow. I wonder if you have seen the care package we sent - and all the pictures of our family - your family - or if tomorrow will be the first time you see our faces. I wonder if they have told you we are coming.
Tonight is the last night you will go to bed as an orphan. Tonight is the last night you will spend without someone to call Mama and Baba. Tonight is the last time you won’t know what it feels like to have a family - even if you don’t understand what family is for a very long time.
I wonder if your birth mom thinks of you. I wonder if she prays for you. I pray she knows you are safe, wanted and loved. I pray that one day, if you want to find her - that you will be able to. I pray that she knows that she is enough and that by making the choice she felt was necessary - she has blessed our family unmeasurably. I pray that you always know that I never want you to be afraid to talk about her - no matter how hard it might be for your dad or I - and I’m sure there will be difficult conversations. I pray that we will have the words to say to you - and that you will always believe you are fearfully and wonderfully, perfectly made - and that just because your story looks different than Skylar’s and Wyatt’s - that we love you just the same.
I pray that whatever you face - you know that your dad and I will face it with you. I pray that you always, always, ALWAYS feel wanted. I pray that your dad and I can advocate for you in every way you need us to. I pray your sister and brother feel fiercely protective of you - and that your bond with them happens instantly. I pray that despite a language barrier - your transition into being a sibling is seamless.
When I think about tomorrow, I know you will experience so much fear - which makes me so very very sad. I know you will probably feel like you are being kidnapped by people who don’t look like you - or sound like anything you have ever heard. I know you will grieve loss of everything you have ever known: your nannies who have loved and cared for you, your roommates, your friends, your foods, your smells, your routine, your life - and this is enough to bring me to my knees. I know that there is no way you could understand at 2 years old that good will come from this heartbreak. But it will.
I pray that God will work your sadness out and give you joy - that He will exchange your fear for a feeling of security and permanence. I pray that no matter how hard the upcoming days are - your dad and I will have just enough patience and grace to love you through every moment of sadness, fear, anger and grief. I pray that there will be more and more happy with every day that passes. I pray that you understand quickly that we are a family - and family is forever - no matter what.
If there is one thing I am confident in - it is that you were meant to be our daughter. God has been so gracious and kind to our family and He has used so many people in the last three months to reassure us of that. He is writing your story - and we are so honored to be your parents - and to be a part of your story. We are so thankful for the army of people who are praying for YOU! I don’t think we will ever know how many people are thinking of and praying for YOU!
There is nothing I desire more for you than for you to always know that even when we weren’t there for you during the first two years of your life - your Heavenly Father was. He sees you. He knows you. He has a plan for you. He has literally given His very life for you - because you are dearly loved. And He is working everything out for our good.
I pray that we both rest well tonight - because tomorrow will change both of us forever. Our worlds will both be rocked and I am praying God’s promises over us both tonight.
You, My Daughter, are wanted, prayed for, chosen and loved.
Love you to the Moon,
Mama
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