Sunday, December 14, 2008


Thank you. I know I hear it all the time...but does it really sink in? Do I really mean it when I say it? And do I really-truly realize how much I have to be thankful for....

Tonight I had the most uplifting experience I have had in weeks, months, maybe in even several years....I think the Lord is tugging on my heart....wanting me to realize how much he has done for me...and he deserves much more thanks than I can ever give. The church puts on a concert series each year for Christmas - every Sunday night in December there is a different program...and this is the first one I have been able to attend in several years since moving away. It was awesome...amazing...indescribable....there are no words...

I am so thankful to have a family that has always been there, for parents that have taken me to church, taught me right from wrong, and who truly love me no matter how many times I disappoint them. I cannot say enough about how amazing they are..each and every family member in their own way...

Nate graduated this weekend (and if THAT isn't something to be thankful for I dont know WHAT is! :) ) these past few months have been such a period of adjustment for us both, same city, completely different schedules, planning a wedding, finishing an internship, working a new job, trying to make ends meet, and wondering if we will ever get to that next phase....and through it all there has been unconditional know that no matter what we go through, no matter how bleak the situation looks, no matter how frusterating it know that someone is right beside me...going through life with me...every step of the matter how back of an attitude I get, no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how bad I just want to scream....somehow he is always there..chugging along...encouraging me to be better...and just be me. I hope that he knows just how much he means to me...I hope that somehow I can explain to him just how truly thankful I am that he looked my way.

I have a job. I have a job that I hate. But I have a job. I have a job that pays my bills..not much else...but it I have a job...I have a job that I should be thankful for, but instead I would rather gripe. I have chosen to see the worst in the situation, instead of the fact that the Lord has provided every single one of my needs since I have been in Jacksonville. What a humbling thought...there are thousands of people everyday being laid off, and I have not been one of them. (yet) I should be so grateful, I have set it in my mind, from now foward, until the Lord decides to move me one way or the be thankful where I am choose happiness over make the best out of a situation that I feel is hopeless...and to trust God no matter what.
He will provide my needs in HIS timing.

Nate and I have chosen to sponsor a child through Compassion International -Sena Beka from Etheopia. It never ceases to amaze me how a little tiny child in a third world country is so thankful...for the smallest of things. Nate and I met on a mission trip, and have always felt like the Lord wanted us somewhere doing something - but we haven't found that open door, we aren't sure where and when he will call - but we are both ready. Today in the morning service we laid our "yes" on the that whenever, wherever, whoever....we will go. It's so easy to forget how much we have to be thankful for....and seeing the faces of those little children who have NOTHING, nothing to eat, nothing to wear, nothing to sleep on....yet they are thankful for the smallest of things...for a bowl of rice that I would turn my nose up to, for a bed of straw that I would say was itchy, for a school made of mud and sticks that I would think was hot and dirty....
Shame on me. Shame on me for not realizing what I have. Shame on me for always wanting more. Shame on me for not thanking God everyday for the blessings he has given me...

So THANK YOU Jesus...for being so merciful....for seeing me like no one else sees me - despite my every failure...for giving me more than I deserve....for loving me unconditionally and for blessing me beyond measure. Thank YOU Jesus.

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Just Thinking

So writing has become a way for me to think outloud, and trick myself into believing that I have gotten something off my chest when I have no one to talk to and too much to say. I used to talk to Tyce but now that he is in doggie heaven I feel a little wierd..praying to a dog so to speak...So instead of praying to a dog, or talking to myself, or calling someone, I write my feelings out and shoot them into nerd I know.

So, I know everyone has felt this way before: Should I say something, or just keep my mouth shut? Will I be better off, or will it just make things worse? If I pretend I don't know, will it go away, or will it come back to bite me in the bum?
Since I really wasn't SUPPOSED to know in the first place, I just happened to found out, is it really something I should stress over?

So you may have felt that way, but what do you do? I'm am in a situation at work and I am feeling confused, mixed up, hurt, angry, sad, bitter, defensive, betrayed...and so many more things...all because of something I SHOULDN'T have found out..but I did...and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I will eventually say something, even if it does come back to haunt me, just because I have never been one to keep anything inside for too long...and at this point, I feel like nothing I do can make the situation any worse than it already is...

Anyway, this is one of those posts that if anyone actually reads they will scratch their heads and say :oh my she has really lost it now: but I guess I just need to write it out...not that it helped this time...I am not closer to knowing what I SHOULD do than before I started typing.

Everything else in life is happening so fast it makes me wonder where the time goes...I hear it only gets worse from here.....

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

I Cook and He Cleans

So the title pretty much speaks for itself huh....oh if only it always worked this way! :)

I have grown to LOVE cooking - even more than before - because there is someone to help me eat it :) There is something about cooking for just yourself, and then having a stack of dishes, that makes that lean cuisine in the freezer look all the more appealing!

Thankfully Nate has adopted quite nicely to homecooked meals (including losing 12 lbs - oh if only it was that easy for all of us)...but what I have to work on is....if I cook...and WE have to at least HELP clean... but tonight was different....he volunteered to clean...partially because he wanted the meat cooked on the :George: instead of panfried - and I was VERY firm about not cleaning that grill - (I love cooking on it - but I HATE cleaning it) ... anyway ...I think I might have to start striking up a deal like this EVERY day before the pots come out to be cooked in :)

Anyway, We got our engagement pictures back today (the second set) and I LOVE them!!!!!!!! I will post some more once I get the CD with all of them!

For now, I am happy...nate is here at least for another hour, and we are fixin' to settle in for an episode of CSI "our show".

Anyway, so I have a couple of prayer requests as of lately.....for my job ( which I will spare you all the details ) , that Nate can find another job until he is promoted to full time at UPS, for the next 5 weeks to pass by quickly, but not TOO quickly, that I get all the last minute things done, and that everything will just fall into place...which I know it will but you know..its my job to worry about it! :)

Anyway, I will update again soon - this whole blogging thing has become somewhat of a stress reliever for me.. and I'm starting to think it might have to become a daily thing.... oh boy.. :)


Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Bla Bla Bla

This might just be a bunch of random ramblings but here it goes...

I ordered three of the last fewthings for the wedding (sand vases, veil, cake topper) and here is the outcome. Caketopper - CHECK. It came in three days and is exactly what I wanted. Great start right?
Wrong. I get a letter from the veil company...I'm sorry - we no longer carry that veil in the color you wanted ( something in between white and ivory) you may order white or I wanted white or ivory, I probably wouldnt be ordering a veil you goober. Oh well, its just one more thing to put back on my list of things to do that seems to keep getting longer instead of shorter.
THEN I am thrilled to see that the vases for the sand ceremony came in (right on time) only to find that three of the four things are cracked...(somehow this doesnt surprise me one bit because Nate says that at UPS if a package says "fragile" those are the ones they throw, drop on purpose, and play football with in the hub....maybe I shouldn't write that)...but none the less despite the neon orange :fragile - handle with care: sticker....they are cracked....THEN I go to make a phone call to the company's customer service center to see what my options are...only to find that the customer service number is tells you to email the company - they only coorospond via the internet....
wow...sketchy or what? I guess this is what I get for trying to save a few dollars by ordering online and price comparing for a month before purchasing. Way to go bargain saved approximately $12 and gain another headache, you will wait 3 more weeks IF they will replace them and IF they will get here in time...oh well... :) What can you do.

Nate has been so great through everything...job, wedding plans, emotional breakdowns, mental exhaustion, trying to be an overachiever when there is barely time to achieve let alone OVERachieve....all the while, he is grinning, bearing it, telling me he loves me and it will all be okay...even when I am crying it will not...there's a crack in my vase and I hate my job and I didn't work out today and I have a migraine and I dont know when I have time to breathe and there are 700 things to do and never ends...

But thankfully - its almost over and honeymoon is about to begin...maybe then I will get some relief...errr...relaxation from all these happenings :)

I have placed a picture of the cabin in TN where we will be staying for a week on both my home and work computer - to remind myself that if I can just make it to Jan 17th at 5:30 when the reception is over and I can breath, no longer worrying about who is happy with my plans - when I have a week away from work to clear my head - and when I can finally start my life long slumber party with the man who makes me smile even when it seems like nothing is going right....

If I can JUST make it until may not always be easy, and it may not always be fun...but I will be RIGHT where I want to be...curled up away from everything but HIM for a whole week....sounds like bliss to me...