Travel Day, Medical Appointment And Shamain Island

Thursday morning we had to wake Cate up for breakfast so we would be ready in time to catch our van to the airport. I’ve been so surprised at how well she is sleeping - we have yet to have a morning where she wakes up before us - or where we don’t have to wake her up - maybe she can teach my other two how to sleep this well when we get home? She ate breakfast and was excited when we said “alright let’s go!” She really seems to already be picking up on several words that we say. The main one being “no” - and she is [not] thrilled when we say it. 

It was raining - which made our already interesting traffic situation even more interesting. The airport was crowded and I very was thankful our guide took us in, helped us check our bags and made sure we made it all the way to our security point. On our way to our gate - we stopped at Starbucks. I ordered a java chip frappachino - which I haven’t had since college - and when I tell you it was so good and so cold and so much like home it brought me to tears - I am not joking. I will probably have 12 more before we come home. The drinks here are not “cold” like Home - and Diet Coke is not easy to find - and plain Coke Zero is not the same. So basically I’m homesick for those types of things and my kids. I would give a kidney for a 64 oz fountain drink that is the perfect 60 percent ice to 40 percent soda ratio right now. And I would probably give both kidneys if it was a cherry Coke Zero. 

Anyway, back to travel - we sat down at our gate and attempted to FaceTime my mom - after a little while Nate gets up to see why we aren’t boarding yet — all the sudden he is rushing back - he had looked at the seat numbers not gate numbers and we were on the wrong end of the terminal. Wowza. Our real plane at our real gate was delayed - thank goodness! While standing in line to board the plane - past nap and lunch time - Cate decided it would be a fantastic time to put on a real show and make everyone look at her American parents with complete pity [annoyance]. We got the “tell your kid to zip it face from approximately 300 people” to which I sheepishly returned their look with my “I really would love to but she probably only understands 25 percent of what I say, plus she is tired and hungry and we are strangers and she is two so please give us grace” look.  Thankfully we walked to the bathroom and back and the line was moving - we boarded the plane and she fell asleep on the runway. And all the passengers said “amen”. 

Once she did wake up she crushed the airplane rice they delivered for lunch and spent the rest of the plane ride taking things in and out of a plastic bag. Probably an hour of this. It’s the strangest thing to me. Take everything out - put it all back in - hand it all to Mom - put it all back in - hand it all to dad - put it all back in. Hey, whatever keeps her happy at this point. We arrived to our hotel and delivered our luggage to our room after seeing several of the families in the lobby and then headed out for dinner. We ate at a Cantonese Restaurant - which was delicious. (No eel was involved) and we had pork buns which almost tasted like a yeast roll from the states. Everything hit the spot.  After bath and FaceTiming Skylar and Wyatt it was time for bed - which is seemingly harder by the day. Part of me thinks the grief hits hard at night, the other part of me also realizes she has me pegged and knows I will hold her and would probably let her sleep with me if Nate wasn’t my voice of reason. I want her to feel safe - but I also don’t want to start hard habits to break at home. I settled for holding her on a recliner. Thinking she would be asleep quickly -  I sent Nate out for ice cream which I’ve been dying for. She played me like a fiddle and ended up having her first ice cream cone and missing bedtime. Once she was asleep she slept wonderfully. 

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We woke her up the next morning for breakfast and met in the lobby at 8:30 ready to head to the medical appointment. We took a bus - and on the way she was sitting in my lap - but laying back into Nate’s and letting him rub her hair- progress!! 

The appointment itself is a full exam: height, weight, ears, nose, throat, routine physical and a blood draw and TB test. This is required before applying for a US visa and to become a citizen (which she will be when she put her feet on US soil in Chicago when our plane touches down). The first three parts of the exam weren’t terrible - in fact- the worst part was keeping all of the kids in our group wrangled and occupied while they waited their turn. Cate was very patient and compliant with the doctors and really let them do what they needed to do. The blood draw and TB test was a different story. Two ladies with medical masks come out of a room and confirm her name, take her from me - and then close the door. We could hear the screams that followed and was enough to bring me to tears. Thankfully they handed her right back and she settled eventually - not super quick but not as long as I anticipated either. 

We went to a supermarket (much like Walmart) and got snacks (SunChips and M&Ms from the imported section), bottled water, some Chinese snacks and PB&J supplies. Cate did not like the sandwich - but loved the chips and we both took a wonderful nap. 

We met up with my cousin Joy and her husband Ryan and their five kids around 4. We walked through a park near our hotel but cut our walk short to feel all the babies who were hot and hungry. We had dinner at a noodle shop - where Ryan ordered exactly what we wanted in Chinese. I asked if he wanted to stay with us for a week but he politely declined. We had McDonalds ice cream again after dinner but ate it in the hotel lobby. It was so nice to visit with them - Joy and I decided it had been well over ten years since we had seen each other. Crazy! Facebook makes it feel like not that long - but it was so nice to meet all of her babies in person. 

Bathtime has been fun every night and she loves to FaceTime Skylar and Wyatt.  But bedtime brought lots of tears again - and even after Cate was asleep and settled in her crib she cried for several minutes but decided laying down was better than Nate picking her up. She slept all night again and only woke up after we turned all the lights on to get her up in the morning. 

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We visited Shamian Island today. It’s where all the adoptive families used to stay before the hotel on the island needed to be renovated and they began staying at the hotel we are at now. Basically it is like a St. Augustine - sort of? There are several statues, parks, beautiful streets and old trees. We did a little bit of souvenir shopping and then spent some time in a park watching the locals put on a dancing show and play hacky sack.  There is one shop on the island that gives a portion of their proceeds back to help adoptive families. We walked in and Bethel Music was playing - it made me so happy - especially since that has been what has seemed to calm Cate the most at bedtime - worship music.  I looked around and Sarah pointed out that they had scripture written out in Chinese on little plaques. I came over to look and when I flipped it over to see what verses were on the one I had picked up - I could NOT believe it. The verses that Skylar wrote for me to keep in my suitcase from Psalms 121 were on this plaque.  Goosebumps!     This will probably be my favorite thing I purchase on this trip. I shared with the lady working at the shop and she was so surprised! Amazing how God has given us little reassurances all along the way. 

Cate is still napping after our busy morning but I will probably wake her soon so we don’t completely ruin bedtime tonight.  So thankful for how amazing she is doing. I still can’t believe it when I look at her - that she is this calm and happy and smiley with people she has known for five days. It’s incredible to me how brave these babies are. I know I have probably said it a hundred times - but they truly are so so so brave. 

We are so thankful to the Father for taking care of her until we could get here and for watching over us during this trip. We are continuing to pray for her health (and ours) and are anxious to get home to Skylar and Wyatt.  Starting a countdown today - 6 days!

Cate’s Orphanage Visit

Last night once we finally got Cate to sleep - she slept great. She cried around 4:45 this morning, but was comforted by me just reaching over and rubbing her back and holding her hand through the crib slats - she went right back to sleep. We had to wake her up around 6 because we had to meet our guide at 7:40 to head to her orphanage. We have already figured out that she is not a quick-riser. It took me almost 20 minutes to get her to really open her eyes and be semi-awake today. It’s so hard to know if she just loves to sleep - or if this is just her way of coping with the stress of so many new things. I mean, I won’t lie - I kind of hope she’s a good sleeper! 

We ate breakfast - Cate ate fried noodles and then emptied her plate of everything else by handing me every single bite of scrambled eggs and beans one by one. She let Nate feed her some fried rice and yogurt also - yay! It’s still so odd to me that every meal in China is similar - rice and noodles, full blown meat and veggies at 6 a.m. - thank goodness for the western omelette bar and fruit! 

We left for her orphanage around 7:45 and I could tell she was already getting sleepy. I had been nervous about the van ride (thank goodness we had Mr. Driver now) because we had a 2.5 hour each way trip to complete in one day - aye aye aye. We get in the van and the driver is “tell me if it gets too cold for you”. (Blink blink blink) it’s 99 degrees here with 207% humidity and you have the air conditioner on “1” - sir, it is not too cold. Cate snuggled up and went to sleep not too long into the drive. I started sweating and feeling like I was going to vomit and asked our guide to please turn up the air - oh yes, yes, yes! Air is moved to “2”. (Oh, perfect that helps.)  She woke up about 30 minutes before we arrived and did great the rest of the ride. (Praise the Lord!)

I didn’t know how I would feel seeing where she lived for so long - it was really like an out of body experience. I was also terrified that after last night and how hard of a time she had that we would have major regression today. I prepared myself for the worst. As we walked up to her orphanage - the first thing I noticed was how clean the facility itself seemed to be. Two men opened the door and said “oh!!! Sun Fei Fei! Hello!” She waved but refused to go to him and immediately started fussing. (Oh, this is great! I thought. Part of me felt like it meant she is bonding to us - the other part of me felt awful for bringing her back - what if she thinks we are leaving her again?!?!) He then proceeds to tell our guide that he is the one who found her at the gate. I couldn’t believe it - I must have asked like 4 times if she was sure. We literally met the man who found our daughter at the gate - the one who shares her family name “Sun” (the Chinese version of a last name). It felt so weird and odd and how do you thank someone for finding your baby? We were able to get a picture with him - which I am sure will be something she will want to see later in her life. 

One of her nannies came up and started talking to her - but again she refused to leave my arms - it really made me feel at this point like this was both a good and terrible idea all at the same time. We walked down several hallways and then out to the playground where she seemed very excited to be - we saw the places we had seen in the pictures her orphanage had sent.  

The Vice Director of the orphanage came outside to tell us to come in because it was hot (I’m not sure what gave it away - the fact that my dress was now tie dye from sweat or the fact that Nate looked like he was mid-shower. Ha!) They took us to her room and showed us her bed and told us that she was the favorite and so she was used to getting to sleep in the big bed with a nanny or at least fall asleep there and then be moved to her bed - which could explain why she is having a harder time at night. Her favorite nanny walked in the room and she almost JUMPED out of my arms to her. I felt like crying - but the half of me that is so grateful to these ladies who raised my baby for me knew it was the right thing to do to let them say goodbye to her.  We asked what this nanny’s name was and I thought I heard wrong when she answered - it’s Lie Mei. (I heard it as Lee-oo Mei - which immediately made me think of Cate’s middle name Lily-Mei). They were so happy when we explained the meaning behind her name - (another post I need to write) but how crazy that we met the man she was named after and she also shares a name with the lady who took care of her for so long!? 

We walked down another hall (her nanny still holding her) and into a small classroom with three tables full of kids. She marched right up to a little boy at a table - said something in mandarin - pulled out a chair and sat down and started barking orders at the teachers and kids. My mouth had to have been on the ground. I feel like we saw a glimpse of the real Cate we will have once she gets fully comfortable with us and is home. She was loud, bossy, and into everything. We kept watching as she talked to the other kids - who handed over all their toys to her - and the teachers I felt like were catering to everything she asked them for (in Chinese so I have no actual idea what she was saying or if it was just gibberish and they know her lingo). I asked the guide who was talking to her doctor what she thought about this and the doctor responded “she is the princess and she gets what she wants”. Oh, have mercy-  are we going to have our hands full. 

I took some more pictures and asked her doctor a few questions - none of which she had a clear answer for regarding her medical history. I asked for more information from her file and she said if she could locate it she would let me know. I was hopeful we could find some scans or more information - but it doesn’t seem like this exists.  The doctor DID tell us however that she does NOT like men because her therapists were both men and she feels like they cause her pain. This made us both feel a little better about her hesitation with Nate holding her. Ha!  

On her gotcha day I had asked the ladies who brought her if her nannies would be willing to write our memories or stories that we could have translated for her - one of those ladies came in with a folder tied carefully with a red ribbon (red means good fortune in China- and is very symbolic to them) - inside the folder was another handmade folder that contained four notes and some art with her picture that her nannies made her yesterday because I asked. I was so overcome with emotion. Such a treasure for her (and us!) to know she was so very very loved. 

I was so nervous to leave that room and her favorite nanny - but they told us we would be meeting the director around lunch time. They took us across the courtyard and into a big conference room to wait. Cate was getting tired and honestly I was hoping we were almost done because I felt totally emotionally drained. The director comes in and shakes our hand and asks us if we have any questions for him. We re-asked about her medical information - which - like most high level executives - he was unsure and said that would be a question to follow up with the nanny. They did tell us she had been in another orphanage for two months at some point but that they truly loved her here and were so happy she was getting a family. We stood to shake hands and take a picture and give our gift we had brought for the director - when they told us the director had a special meal prepared for us and was so happy to dine with our family. 

Y’all. Let me preface this - the director was a very nice man - but he also seemed very much like a person you don’t want to cross? If this makes sense. Oh, yes - lunch sounds wonderful! Our guide had mentioned possibly “having lunch” but I pictured a cafeteria style setting with the kids eating some friend rice and being on our way. Oh - no. We walk into a giant room with a huge round table and a big sparkly lazy susan that took up most of the table. I was familiar with this from our other family style meal we had and was semi excited to see what they served - also because I was thinking we will finally get to see how Cate is used to eating. That’s when he informed us that we would be eating all the specialties that Huai’an is famous for. That’s when I started to get a little anxious. (1) my chopstick skills are way way way less than par and (2) I love food - but I also love the option of opting out and (3) I hate eating under pressure. So, the first course comes out - spring rolls - oh good - I can do this - only I’m so nervous I can’t operate my chopsticks. Finally Director Luo laughs and tells me to use my fingers. (Oh good grief!) I will not be beat! The next bowl comes out and this is when I start to panic. It’s shrimp. Which I love - when it butterflied, battered and fried! This shrimp had a bunch of legs, a tail, giant eyeballs and antennas floating in water. Oh sweet mercy. Since I was having trouble operating my chopsticks I believe the director thought he would be helpful and dip my plate for me. (Now - let’s all pause to think about the fact that there are eight people around the table and each person uses their own utensils to get the food from the serving dish. Only I am not only getting directly served by the Director’s personal chopsticks - yum - but everyone else’s at the table. There - and I don’t even like my kids going to the Chickfila play area - germ central - on my plate.) Anyway. On go four giant shrimp. Okay. I can do this - I like shrimp. Just not used to cracking them, ripping their heads off and sucking their body out of the shell. Okay no worries. Out came other dishes - chicken and peppers, meatballs and celery, beef and potatoes, rice, broccoli, steamed vegetables (bok choy and mushrooms), tofu and leeks, scrambled eggs and tomatoes and then some local fish - full body on the plate fish - also okay - no worries. Mind you, Director Luo is fixing both of our plates because the couple bites I am putting on my plate (and splitting with Cate) were not enough - he is heaping my plate, filling a bowl and asking for a second plate for me - I was doing my best to keep up - but I was overwhelmed and Cate was getting antsy and I was trying to feed as much as I could to her so I wouldn’t be rude. He finally told me to stop attempting chopsticks and use my fingers or my spoon.  I was eating as fast as I could but every time the table turned he was adding to my plate “for your family! So thankful!” Ugh - how can I argue? Finally the last course comes out and I’m still trying to catch up - they put the plate down and ask if we have any guesses as to what it was - Nate goes “snake” - and I started to get (more) nervous. “Oh no (ha ha ha) it’s eel!! Local delicacy- so expensive here - special for your family!” (Sweet merciful heavens). They spin the plate toward Nate and I quickly said a prayer. I so desperately didn’t want to be rude and I am so thankful for all they have done - I am going to eat this eel if it literally kills me. (But, can we talk about how we aren’t supposed to drink the water yet apparently eating everything that comes out of it is totally fine? Woah.) Nate chooses two small eels and puts them on his plate then it’s my turn - before I can even attempt to help myself - the Director has emptied five eels on to my already semi heaped plate that I haven’t finished. FIVE. F.I.V.E.  I literally felt like I was on Fear Factor - my own personal Fear Factor - Adoption Edition. I took a bite (as everyone watched) and went mmmmmmm as it slid down my throat like a giant loogie-coated-warm-twizzler. Oh. My. Word. At this point I start to try to take big bites because I thought maybe it would help? It didn’t. Honestly, the flavor wasn’t so bad - but I couldn’t get past the texture. Thank goodness Cate started to fuss and everyone noticed she was ready to go and I took the opportunity to stand up and bounce her - when the director told one of the ladies at the table “you take the baby - let her finish her food”. NOOOO please don’t take my baby! I’m totally done! I’m reeEELlly done (ha! See what I did there?) Cate was snatched from my arms and everyone at the table watched as I grimaced smiled my way through three more eel before saying I was super full - which was totally true but also I was starting to sweat and the last eel was not going to make it down. Thankfully no one seemed super offended and Nate mouthed “I’m so proud of you” which almost made me cry. 

In all seriousness - we are so thankful for all they did for Cate and our family before they even knew us - it was the least I could do. But that being said - if you guys ever come to my house - and I force feed you - which I know I tend to do - please remind me of this moment. I mean Reeeeeeelly remind me. That might never get old. 

We said our goodbyes and I was shocked with Cate blew a kiss - said bye bye and waved (which she has learned in two days) and couldn’t have been happier to leave with us. I was totally expecting her to melt down - but it was almost like she saw us with her people - everyone she loved had a chance to talk to her and see her and see she was doing well - and hug me while saying “this is your momma” and she just accepted it (for the moment).

On the way out we stopped at the gate to take a picture. I really still can’t believe that she was just found there? It makes me so very sad that for whatever reason - I am assuming her caretaker was worried for her medical needs - she couldn’t be taken care of and the best option was to leave her in a place for someone to find. She was not left as a newborn - and the age she was I can only assume she was probably somewhat mobile - and the gate is beside a busy street. This made me think - wow - it was better for her to be left - and possibly hit by a car - but also possibly found and taken in - than to stay with her family. Aren’t we so blessed in America to have access to care for our babies when they are sick? That insurance or no insurance we can get help? May I never take this for granted again. I am so very thankful for God’s protection on her little life. Even though there is sadness - today there is joy. Joy that she was found safe. Joy that she was given a chance to have medical attention. Joy that she was chosen to have a file prepared. (They also told us today that not all children get their files prepared because it’s expensive - so they can only prepare files for children they believe have even a chance at being chosen. I can’t get this out of my head.) Joy that we saw her face when we did. Joy that someone chose to advocate for her. Joy that our paperwork went through. Joy that God chose us to be her parents. Joy that she is so full of joy - despite her circumstances. Joy for all the Father is going to do in her life from this point forward. 

In the middle of sadness today there was and will continue to be - JOY - and for that I am thankful. 

Finalization Day

Cate slept right in her crib beside the bed all night!  She stirred and little off and on - but overall it was a peaceful night - I think Nate actually woke up more than anyone to check on her. We had to wake her up for breakfast to be sure we made it to her finalization appointment on time. She had a sad moment at first but calmed right down and was a happy happy girl. 

At breakfast she ate as much watermelon as one child could eat in an hour. We met Lady Driver after breakfast and she drove us [almost killed us (again)] to our finalization appointment. We each had to sign several papers, place a red fingerprint over our signature, place her fingerprint on her official name paper, pay a couple of legal fees and made a donation to her orphanage and then she was officially Cate Lily-Mei Cass. 

 The ladies from her orphanage came back today to accept our donation. They each tried to get Cate to come to them and she refused - shaking her head no and hugging me. I even put her down at one point to see if she would at least interact with them - which she did - but only while being sure she was wrapped around my leg. This was so very encouraging to us as far as her realizing already that we are her people. 

She was so tired and hungry on our way home  that she almost fell asleep elbow deep in a box of puffs. Once we were at the hotel - we ordered room service for lunch. Both of us fell asleep - but only one of us wanted to be woken up for a cheeseburger. Ha! 

After her nap we walked to a nearby baby store and found some shoes that actually fit. Didn’t realize until after she made it clear she liked them that they were squeaker shoes. (Yay!) 

It was too hot to do much exploring - so we decided to try out the pool. Wrestling a swim cap over my hair was quite the scene - and the pool was freezing so Cate and Nate (ahhhh - love that) got some good quality play time until she started turning purple and started to shiver.  She is having a great time playing with Nate, but a hard time being held by him - which is so very very hard to see. She is trying her hardest to open her heart to both of us - and we know it will come in time - but for now we are just praying for her and loving her through this. 

She was so tired she fell asleep for a minute or two on the couch before dinner and didn’t really eat because she was so sleepy. After a bath and a quick FaceTime with Skylar and Wyatt it was bedtime. 

She kept taking my hand and walking me to the door and trying to open it - I really think she was wanting to leave. She cried and cried when I wouldn’t take her out the door. I put on my praise and worship playlist and just slowly danced and sang to her until she calmed down enough she would let me sit (girlfriend is every bit of that 30 pounds they said she was - and she is literally dead weight when being held). She snuggled up and tried to get to sleep but just couldn’t. She pointed to the crib - and when I laid her down she patted the big bed beside her through the bars - where I fell asleep with her at nap time. Once I laid down beside her she situated her blanket and stuffed cat and then reached through and found my hand. She held it until she fell asleep.

I just can’t stop praying for her little heart. How confused and sad it must feel. She is being so brave and is truly a joy-filled baby - even in the midst of something so terrifying she is doing her best to love. Please join me in praying that she gets rest tonight, and that tomorrow as we head to her orphanage and her finding place - to see where she has been for the last two years - that Nate and I can know just what she needs and just how to comfort her. Also please pray for Nate, I know he is dying for the same snuggles I am getting - and instead he is having to be okay with just playing with her and kisses every now and then.  There are lots of emotions tonight - and we are so very thankful for your prayers.♥️

Gotcha Day

Wide awake (and starving) at 5 am - we waited until breakfast and then threw on our walking shoes to go out and explore. It is BEAUTIFUL here. We walked along the river and just took in the sights. There is a school where we assumed they held Olympic practices (marked with the rings), a play park, people walking/riding/exercising, several people washing laundry in the river and lots of people fishing. It’s just so different here! We took a look at a museum that was designed and built by our guide Denise’s husband. We kept walking and found several pop-up square dance parties! The people are such free spirits here and literally just need a little shade a some music and they couldn’t care less who is watching! 

We did our best to stay out exploring until about noon since we knew we wouldn’t be leaving  until 1:45 - but I really had to pee and was doing my best to avoid a squatty potty on the street - so back to the hotel we went! Ha!

We both showered and got ready and then Nate watched a movie and I played 784 games of solitaire on my phone because the WiFi isn’t the best and Nate’s movie choices are even worse. 

FINALLY it was time to go! I made Nate check the backpack and the list 83 times before we left and he patiently informed me we were leaving and he had it all. 

Now - let me back up this story bus to the day we were picked up at the train station by our guide Denise and the lady driver who was back for us again today. Denise told us we would have the lady driver until Tuesday - then said “I hired you a man driver for Wednesday and Thursday because it is safer for the long drives - safer for you to have a man driver”. (On Wednesday we will drive 3 hours to visit her orphanage.) Now, in that moment I thought - wow, that’s offensive - women can drive too? Good thing this “lady driver” can’t understand a word she is saying! 

Okay- y’all this driver about made me lose my mind. The driving here is the craziest thing I’ve ever witnessed. I really can’t believe their population is so high because we’ve only been here 5 days and almost died several times each day. But none the less - no amount of preparation could have prepared me to be under so much stress (being driven) and so much emotion (ohmygoodnessimgettingmybaby). We ended up stuck in a tunnel for almost 20 minutes and thankfully Nate had headphones I was able to listen to some praise and worship to calm my nerves and keep from completely boohoo-omg once we knew we were going to be late. Our guide sent a text saying “Don’t worry. It’s okay. Don’t be nervous!” [okay, Denise!] 

We finally arrived and walked into a room full of 7 other families already with their babies and Fei Fei just standing there looking around. I am so thankful that Nate took pictures because the next ten minutes just seem like one big blur to me. The ladies who work in the orphanage office are the ones who brought her - and they immediately started telling her I was “momma” and Nate was “baba” (daddy).  She was very very hesitant but did take a lollipop from me. We talked about Skylar and Wyatt who were in a picture on a bag we had sent for her. She let me rub her back and touch her but was so very skeptical. Her nanny finally picked her up - said something to her that included “momma” and put her down in my lap. She melted like butter in to me and let me snuggle the mess out of her. I couldn’t believe it. It still seems completely surreal. The room was literally a zoo of people and in that moment I felt completely unaware of everything else going on. She couldn’t even look at Nate - which broke my heart - but she didn’t scream or cry when he touched her. She took a second lollipop from him (after feeding the first one to me and laughing her little head off about it - the faces I must have been making slurping on that dumdum I’m certain we’re top-notch ridiculousness) and when I handed her to Nate so I could sign papers she was okay with it and even gave me a little smile.

We were able to ask several questions to the ladies who brought her and basically they told us, she is not a picky eater, she sleeps well, she has 6 nannies and they all love her and she is a perfect child. Sounds about right (so far). 

We signed papers giving us guardianship, and then went upstairs and took an official family photo. 

We stopped by a supermarket for diapers and then they took us back to the hotel. It’s insane - we walked into an office, were handed a baby, went to the store and were back to the hotel in a matter of less than three hours. [Oh, and we even had time for “lady driver” to HIT another lady on a moped. Y’all. No words - but Nate does have it on video. Ha!!]

We were shocked when we got back to the hotel. She wasn’t walking last we heard - and the videos we had definitely reflected this and as soon as we put her down she was wobbly walking everywhere and mimicking everything we said - including Skylar and Wyatt’s names. 

Once we picked our jaws up off the floor - we went upstairs and had dinner in the hotel where she polished off 4 plates of spaghetti. I couldn’t believe it! She laughed and giggled and kept trying to feed Nate noodles - which if y’all know Nate - he does not share food - nor would he ever in a million years willingly eat off of the slobbery hand or fork of a child. Except for now - he took each noodle with a big ole smile — or was it a grimace? Ha!

She earned her bath after having spaghetti for dinner (especially because the last couple noddles she couldn’t get up with her fork or her hands so she literally used her mouth) and she went right in the water squealing and laughing while we splashed and played with a ball and wash rags. 

I had a moment while giving her a bath that I don’t want to forget but also breaks my heart. With Skylar and Wyatt - I know them. I know their tummies and their thighs and their squishy little arms and precious little baby bums at all the stages - but here I was bathing my own daughter and I have no idea how she got the scars that she has, how her little body is supposed to look? Is she healthy? Is this normal? Is she supposed to be chunkier? Is she hungry? Is she scared? Has her hand always been tight? Are her toes normally curled? I just don’t know! I don’t KNOW her. But I never want to forget how grateful I feel for the people who took care of her for the last two and a half years. The ladies who fed her, diapered her, dressed her, bathed her, loved her - I am indebted to them forever.  

After getting in to her pajamas - we set up to FaceTime Skylar and Wyatt. Their faces were priceless! They didn’t even really say much because they were just staring at her@. She seemed to recognize them from their pictures we had shown them and kept trying to touch them through the screen. We don’t know if she already knew how to “blow a kiss” but even if she did - she didn’t know it in English - but after showing her a few times she had it down pat - blew kisses and waved goodbye! 

I snuggled her for a bit and then switched with Nate while I showered. After we were all ready for bed I put her down in her crib and she was asleep within minutes - snuggled up with her little kitty cat from her China Family. ♥️

About an hour later - she woke up and had a a big huge sad moment. In that movement I had lots of panicky thoughts- oh my goodness - I don’t know her cry - I don’t know what she needs - how can I comfort her? And the other thought was oh, good - she needs to grieve - but please, Jesus, let her trust us in this moment. It didn’t take nearly as long as I anticipated to calm her and she fell asleep on my chest. 

I am so thankful for God’s kindness toward us - and his answering my very specific prayer request of just one smile on our first day together. Just one. Instead He gave me a whole day full. I am so thankful!  I know the grief will come - and there will be moments of sadness - but today - today was just perfect. 

To My Daughter

My Sweet Fei Fei,

We are on a train to your province right now - and as I look out the window at the country you were born in passing by, I am overcome with so many emotions, questions and prayers.  When we started out on a journey to find you - almost two years ago - I had no idea what my heart would be feeling at this moment - and now that it’s here - I still can’t completely decipher my thoughts. 

I wonder if your nanny has had any time to prepare you to meet us tomorrow. I wonder if you have seen the care package we sent - and all the pictures of our family - your family - or if tomorrow will be the first time you see our faces. I wonder if they have told you we are coming. 

Tonight is the last night you will go to bed as an orphan. Tonight is the last night you will spend without someone to call Mama and Baba. Tonight is the last time you won’t know what it feels like to have a family - even if you don’t understand what family is for a very long time. 

I wonder if your birth mom thinks of you. I wonder if she prays for you.  I pray she knows you are safe, wanted and loved. I pray that one day, if you want to find her - that you will be able to. I pray that she knows that she is enough and that by making the choice she felt was necessary - she has blessed our family unmeasurably. I pray that you always know that I never want you to be afraid to talk about her - no matter how hard it might be for your dad or I - and I’m sure there will be difficult conversations.  I pray that we will have the words to say to you - and that you will always believe you are fearfully and wonderfully, perfectly made - and that just because your story looks different than Skylar’s and Wyatt’s - that we love you just the same.

I pray that whatever you face - you know that your dad and I will face it with you. I pray that you always, always, ALWAYS feel wanted. I pray that your dad and I can advocate for you in every way you need us to. I pray your sister and brother feel fiercely protective of you - and that your bond with them happens instantly. I pray that despite a language barrier - your transition into being a sibling is seamless. 

When I think about tomorrow, I know you will experience so much fear - which makes me so very very sad. I know you will probably feel like you are being kidnapped by people who don’t look like you - or sound like anything you have ever heard. I know you will grieve loss of everything you have ever known: your nannies who have loved and cared for you, your roommates, your friends, your foods, your smells, your routine, your life - and this is enough to bring me to my knees. I know that there is no way you could understand at 2 years old that good will come from this heartbreak. But it will. 

I pray that God will work your sadness out and give you joy - that He will exchange your fear for a feeling of security and permanence. I pray that no matter how hard the upcoming days are - your dad and I will have just enough patience and grace to love you through every moment of sadness, fear, anger and grief. I pray that there will be more and more happy with every day that passes. I pray that you understand quickly that we are a family - and family is forever - no matter what. 

If there is one thing I am confident in - it is that you were meant to be our daughter. God has been so gracious and kind to our family and He has used so many people in the last three months to reassure us of that. He is writing your story - and we are so honored to be your parents - and to be a part of your story. We are so thankful for the army of people who are praying for YOU! I don’t think we will ever know how many people are thinking of and praying for YOU!  

There is nothing I desire more for you than for you to always know that even when we weren’t there for you during the first two years of your life - your Heavenly Father was. He sees you. He knows you. He has a plan for you. He has literally given His very life for you - because you are dearly loved. And He is working everything out for our good. 

I pray that we both rest well tonight - because tomorrow will change both of us forever. Our worlds will both be rocked and I am praying God’s promises over us both tonight. 

You, My Daughter, are wanted, prayed for, chosen and loved. 

Love you to the Moon,

Mama

The Great Wall and more...

Saturday 6/23 

Today we visited a factory where they hand make beautiful vases, ornaments, plates and ornate decorations by hand. They pound the copper with hammers to the desired shape, hand glue each piece of decoration on it - then they hand paint, bake it several times and then polish it to make it shiny.  The amount of time they spend making each piece was incredible! 

After the factory we headed to the Great Wall. This gave us time to see more of the country by bus. It’s just so beautiful here! 

We climbed the wall as far as they let us. It was incredible. Hot and exhausting - but incredible! We made it to the 10th “fortress” and couldn’t stop knowing we only had a few more! I’m so glad we went all the way up. I also attempted my headstand on the uneven super hard group for you - Sky and Wyatt - just to say I did. 

After the Great Wall we visited the Jade factory and saw how they make art with giant pieces of jade. It was really neat. 

We ate another delicious family meal at the Jade Factory. I’m going to be a chopstick pro by the end of this trip. 

Tomorrow we will head to the train station in the morning and head to Jiangsu! I still don’t feel like this is all real yet - (although my thighs are very aware of how real the Great Wall was today - so we are definitely IN China) - maybe tomorrow it will sink in when we are actually in her province.  ❤️