Monday, January 30, 2012

Ten Things They Didn't Tell Me

In NO WAY WHATSOEVER is this post meant to be read as complaining! Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me! This is simply me trying to look back at all the things I didnt expect during the first month or so that totally took me by surprise and find the humor in them! :)

Ten things they didn't tell me about having a baby.......

10. No one told me about the wonderful underpants the hospital would give me to wear after childbirth. 10 whole feet of gauzy goodness guaranteed to make you think granny panties are sexy.

9. They told me I would feel instantly skinny again right after I had her, what they didn't tell me was that this is merely a FEELING. A feeling that is instantly removed by trying on my pre pregnancy pants only to find that the ones that I COULD get buttoned left me with a muffin top big enough to make Otis Spunkmeyer jealous.

8. No one told me how big my boobs were going to get. Okay, maybe they did - but I just didn't think by "big" they meant literally I would have boobs from my navel to my neck.

7. No one told me that for the first two weeks (at least) that I would wake up in an absolute delirious panic thinking I had fallen asleep in bed while feeding my child and that I had somehow lost her under the covers or smothered her, only to find it had only been 15 minutes since I put her back in her own bed.

6. I was not warned that my life would be lived in 4 hour increments. That there is officially a "window" of opportunity and if you miss the window you will pay dearly.

5. No one told me that if I let that first tear fall, you know, the one that had been stinging the back of my throat since I saw her face....let that one little sucker out- and prepare to cry for a month. No really. At least a month. And no I'm not sad, or mad, or happy or glad...I'm just exhausted. Flipping. Tired. And probably hungry.

4. They said breast-feeding would hurt - they did not say that you would rather scoop your own eyeballs out with plastic spoons for fun than to have that sweet baby latch on. Will I ever wear a shirt or bra again without cringing?

3. No one warned me that when I randomly heard the song "burning ring of fire" all I would be able to think about was "Holy Pete, is this song about dilating and a baby crowning....cause it sure sounds like a natural labor"....

2. No one told me that after childbirth every time I sneeze, laugh, cough, run or Heck, just sit in the wrong position - I run the risk of peeing my pants.

1. No one warned me that with all this other junk going on...while I could hardly stand the thought of
...shall we say....."getting my groove on" husband would remind me approximately 4 times per day just how many days, hours and minutes were left until my 6 week post baby appointment and what that meant...... seriously....
does he not know what turned his wife into this giant leaky, overly sensitive weepy milk machine?

Top ten things they didn't tell me.....breast feeding edition....

10. Your boobs are going to hurt.
9. They are gonna hurt for days.
8. They are gonna hurt even worse than the "burning ring of fire" for even longer than just days...
7. You will want to walk around with no bra and you will not care that there is a lovely little milk trail following you around the house on the floor
6. Four hours never passes as quickly as it does when your nipples feel like they will fall off if that baby gets ahold of them again.
5. Did I mention that it hurts...a lot....
4. Removal of your breasts completely by chainsaw with no numbing medication would feel like a massage compared to the first week of breastfeeding...
3. You will probably never run again with just one sports bra ....ever....
2. Your husband - who unfortunately has never seen such spectacles protruding from your chest....may or may not be left with just a nub if he attempts to touch these new boobs.
1. You will never look at your boobs the same again. In the words of a wise friend of mine " these are milk trucks, my friend, not fun bags. "

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