When the Rubber Meets the Road....

In the last week or so - I have found myself thinking "I should share this struggle I am having..." or "I should write down how I am feeling frustrated in this moment..." and "this is the hard part I haven't shared yet..."

In the middle of all of this adjustment period at home - the grief of losing my grandmother too soon - right before we left for China - has hit me square between the eyes.  There isn't an hour that goes by that I don't wonder why God couldn't have given her just a few more weeks here on earth with us - so that she could actually put her hands on the little girl she had faithfully prayed for for almost two years.  I keep reminding myself that God's plan is for me - not against me - and that I don't have to have the answers to this question - I just have to trust that this is His plan. So as you read this, please give me grace - there is a whole lot of emotions happening in this house!

So here it goes.  Adoption for our family has been the biggest blessing. Cate has adjusted (so far) wonderfully - and it is so easy for me to share the wonderful-cuteness and sibling love that truly is - at the end of the day - really is what is mostly happening around here.  She was made for our family - I have no doubt.

But the truth is - there is lots of hard mixed in with the cuteness, the kindness, the giggles and the sweetness.  Lots. Of. Hard.

Like watching your new daughter hit her siblings repeatedly and expecting them to do what she is telling them to do.  

Like watching her scream in the face of a person who is just trying to actually play with her because she has never been taught to share - or how to play together.

Like watching her scream over who-knows-what.

Like watching her throw herself on the floor because she isn't immediately given what she wants in response to her hitting and screaming  - and silently cursing the nannies who just moments ago I was so thankful for - because they took care of her to the best of their ability - yet completely failed to help prepare her for siblings because they let the loudest kid in the orphanage - or the "favorite/princess" get whatever she wanted.

Like sitting on the floor beside her while she is in "time out" (time in) and [patiently] waiting on her to decide she is ready to try again - even it takes an hour - which sometimes it does.

Like wondering - am I adding to her trauma if I let her cry - or tell her "no" - or don't give in to this?  Am I adding to her trauma if I don't let her have what she is wanting?  Am I making her dependent on me by doing x-y-z - or is that what she needs in this moment and I'll deal with the aftermath later?

Like having the thought "she is hurting my Wyatt" and having to catch myself and remind myself that she is mine too - and she really doesn't know better.  

Like wondering if Skylar and Wyatt are really as okay with everything as they seem - or are they just sucking it up and dealing with it and will they let it out later that they are - in fact not thrilled with how they are being treated.

Like not being able to leave the room or eye-sight line of Cate if there isn't another adult around without a full-blown panic attack happening. 

Like having to explain multiple times to my six year old that she will never be left somewhere because we can't get her the medical care she needs - even though that's how she ended up with a sister.  

Like having to explain that Cate's mom did - to the best of our knowledge - love Cate.  

Like watching Skylar and Wyatt be happy-sad over how Cate ended up as their sister.

There is a whole other level of second-guessing my mom-decisions that comes with adoption -- that I had been warned about by the moms who went before me -- but I never anticipated that level of true paralyzing fear that I might possibly add to the trauma her little two-year-old-self has already endured - or that by chance something I do could make her miss her orphanage.

There is also the fine line of providing security by providing new boundaries and enforcing them in a healthy way.  But am I doing it too soon?  Too late?  Too stern?  Too lenient?  Too much?  Not enough?  Over this but not that?  Over that but not this?

I feel like in the moments when I get so overwhelmed that the fear chokes out the joy - the Lord speaks to me - usually through Cate.  She will "sing" part of a song she hears, or randomly hug someone, gently touch my face and use the word "geeeennntle", or point to my phone and say "cheese" with that precious squinty scrunched up little face - and its the tiny bit of encouragement I need in that moment to keep going.  

Because in the middle of all of the hard - there is lots and lots of joy.

Like hearing Cate say a new word and immediately praising herself with "gooood giiiiirrruuuuul"!

Like watching Skylar and Wyatt introduce Cate to their friends, teachers and random people in the store.

Like seeing Skylar and Wyatt celebrate her every little tiny victory.

Like watching Skylar and Wyatt cheer Cate on as she attempts something new - and encouraging her to try again if she doesn't succeed.

Like seeing all three of them work together to empty the dishwasher - and watching Cate learn where things go - and seeing her become more comfortable with her home.

Like them all voluntarily sharing food (and being thrilled because it's not off of my plate this time).

Like hearing Skylar and Wyatt pray for the other kids left behind at Cate's orphanage and knowing they truly have a burden for others - and watching Cate fold her hands and squint her eyes while they pray.

It is worth it.  She is worth it.  It will take a long time to build up trust in her - she doesn't understand that family - this family  really is forever.  It won't be tomorrow - and it might not be this year - or next year - or the next year -- but I - WE - promised to pursue her, love her where she is - and do the best we can - second guesses and all - to help her know and understand love and family - and that is what we will do.  Struggle bus and all.  That is what family does.  We will continue to focus on all the happy, giggly, fun, silly, peek-a-boo, laughter and joy that is happening - and continue to trust that in time - the other will fade and she will be able to truly know the love that comes with a family.