Thankful

Thank you. I know I hear it all the time...but does it really sink in? Do I really mean it when I say it? And do I really-truly realize how much I have to be thankful for....

Tonight I had the most uplifting experience I have had in weeks, months, maybe in even several years....I think the Lord is tugging on my heart....wanting me to realize how much he has done for me...and he deserves much more thanks than I can ever give. The church puts on a concert series each year for Christmas - every Sunday night in December there is a different program...and this is the first one I have been able to attend in several years since moving away. It was awesome...amazing...indescribable....there are no words...

I am so thankful to have a family that has always been there, for parents that have taken me to church, taught me right from wrong, and who truly love me no matter how many times I disappoint them. I cannot say enough about how amazing they are..each and every family member in their own way...

Nate graduated this weekend (and if THAT isn't something to be thankful for I dont know WHAT is! :) ) these past few months have been such a period of adjustment for us both, same city, completely different schedules, planning a wedding, finishing an internship, working a new job, trying to make ends meet, and wondering if we will ever get to that next phase....and through it all there has been unconditional love....how amazing...to know that no matter what we go through, no matter how bleak the situation looks, no matter how frusterating it gets...to know that someone is right beside me...going through life with me...every step of the way..no matter how back of an attitude I get, no matter how many tears I cry, no matter how bad I just want to scream....somehow he is always there..chugging along...encouraging me to be better...do better...and just be me. I hope that he knows just how much he means to me...I hope that somehow I can explain to him just how truly thankful I am that he looked my way.

I have a job. I have a job that I hate. But I have a job. I have a job that pays my bills..not much else...but it I have a job...I have a job that I should be thankful for, but instead I would rather gripe. I have chosen to see the worst in the situation, instead of the fact that the Lord has provided every single one of my needs since I have been in Jacksonville. What a humbling thought...there are thousands of people everyday being laid off, and I have not been one of them. (yet) I should be so grateful, I have set it in my mind, from now foward, until the Lord decides to move me one way or the other...to be thankful where I am at...to choose happiness over misery...to make the best out of a situation that I feel is hopeless...and to trust God no matter what.
He will provide my needs in HIS timing.

Nate and I have chosen to sponsor a child through Compassion International -Sena Beka from Etheopia. It never ceases to amaze me how a little tiny child in a third world country is so thankful...for the smallest of things. Nate and I met on a mission trip, and have always felt like the Lord wanted us somewhere doing something - but we haven't found that open door, we aren't sure where and when he will call - but we are both ready. Today in the morning service we laid our "yes" on the alter..so that whenever, wherever, whoever....we will go. It's so easy to forget how much we have to be thankful for....and seeing the faces of those little children who have NOTHING, nothing to eat, nothing to wear, nothing to sleep on....yet they are thankful for the smallest of things...for a bowl of rice that I would turn my nose up to, for a bed of straw that I would say was itchy, for a school made of mud and sticks that I would think was hot and dirty....
Shame on me. Shame on me for not realizing what I have. Shame on me for always wanting more. Shame on me for not thanking God everyday for the blessings he has given me...

So THANK YOU Jesus...for being so merciful....for seeing me like no one else sees me - despite my every failure...for giving me more than I deserve....for loving me unconditionally and for blessing me beyond measure. Thank YOU Jesus.

Just Thinking

So writing has become a way for me to think outloud, and trick myself into believing that I have gotten something off my chest when I have no one to talk to and too much to say. I used to talk to Tyce but now that he is in doggie heaven I feel a little wierd..praying to a dog so to speak...So instead of praying to a dog, or talking to myself, or calling someone, I write my feelings out and shoot them into cyberspace....total nerd I know.

So, I know everyone has felt this way before: Should I say something, or just keep my mouth shut? Will I be better off, or will it just make things worse? If I pretend I don't know, will it go away, or will it come back to bite me in the bum?
Since I really wasn't SUPPOSED to know in the first place, I just happened to found out, is it really something I should stress over?

So you may have felt that way, but what do you do? I'm am in a situation at work and I am feeling confused, mixed up, hurt, angry, sad, bitter, defensive, betrayed...and so many more things...all because of something I SHOULDN'T have found out..but I did...and now I don't know what to do.

I feel like I will eventually say something, even if it does come back to haunt me, just because I have never been one to keep anything inside for too long...and at this point, I feel like nothing I do can make the situation any worse than it already is...

Anyway, this is one of those posts that if anyone actually reads they will scratch their heads and say :oh my she has really lost it now: but I guess I just need to write it out...not that it helped this time...I am not closer to knowing what I SHOULD do than before I started typing.

Everything else in life is happening so fast it makes me wonder where the time goes...I hear it only gets worse from here.....