Q&A

Better late than never.  This will never intentionally be my life's motto - but nevertheless, here we are.

How old is Cate?

She is 2 - her birthday is December 30, 2015 and she will be turning 3!

I was totally not going to throw her a party since it's so close to Christmas but I was informed by her Mimi that "you better have a party for that baby!" And it's true - she probably has never had a birthday party before - so I am certain we will at least have cake and icecream. (Okay, Mimi?)

Why international adoption and not local?

We have been asked this question more times than I can count.  Honestly - because it's what we felt called to do.  Yes, there are kids right here in our backyards that need families.  Yes, it's (sometimes - not always) more expensive. Yes, we know there are other ways.  But China was put on our hearts over and over again - and so that's what we did.  If you ask Nate - I think his original answer would also include "less strings" - meaning, we wouldn't have to navigate the open v. closed adoption situation the same way we would have if we had adopted locally.  That adds another layer for families who are wanting to adopt locally to consider - and this is something we decided as a family we weren't ready to take on.

Why China?

See above? HA!  Also, when choosing a country - because truthfully, at the beginning of the process - it didn't matter to me - there is a LOT to consider.  Each country that allows international adoption has different criteria that the adopting family has to meet:  age, length of marriage, number of children currently in the house, income levels.  Also - each country has different rules regarding the process:  when you can start, how long the process takes, how many trips you have to take, how old the children are that are available for adoption, what medical needs adoptable children have etc.  We felt very comfortable with the stability of the China Adoption program - meaning, it had been around and established for a lot longer than some programs. The number of kiddos being adopted and wait time was less than some of our other options.  And the biggest draw when it came to making a head decision (in addition to our heart decision) for China - was only one trip is required.  Lots of other countries make you take two. On the first trip you meet your child, continue the paperwork process and then return home without your baby while the in-country paperwork process continues - then you travel back to actually bring your baby home. I know this works for lots of families - but stomaching the fact that I would meet my child - probably in an orphanage situation - and then have to leave them there for a one, two, three months or even longer - I couldn't do it.  The trip to China was long - for us even a few days longer because of the July 4 holiday - but it was totally worth it to us to bring Cate home the first time we met her.

How accurate was Cate's medical file?

As far as we can tell - it was right on.  I know this is extremely rare.  But from what we can tell her diagnosis in China was correct.  And by diagnosis I mean, the fact that she is fearfully, wonderfully, perfectly made, of course.

We really believe her orphanage gave her the best medical care they could - and their assessment of her condition was as thorough as it could have been.  This has not been the case with some of our friends who have come home - in some cases -their kiddos had none of the diagnosis that was in their file - and in other cases they had a completely different set of needs. 
We went to China knowing and believing that we could end up with a completely different child medically and emotionally than what we were expecting - and an open mind in any adoption is imperative. We feel very blessed that Cate's file was just about as accurate medically as it could be.

How did you chose an agency?

This could be a post all on it's own - but I will keep this brief.  When we originally started to consider adoption - we sent off for several packets from different agencies and went to ONE information meeting in Orlando for the agency we used.  We felt really comfortable after that original meeting - even though, looking back - they barely even touched on international adoption - mostly just discussed local infant adoption.  We didn't actually start the process for well over a year after that meeting - and we just picked right back up with that same agency after a phone conference.  If you would ask me if we loved our agency - I would have to say - they did some things really really well and other times I wanted to totally quit.  That being said - I would encourage someone thinking about adoption - international, local, infant, foster care - do your due diligence.  Call EVERY option.  Ask your friends who have adopted who they used and would they use them again.  Join facebook groups -- THIS is actually where we found a BAZILLION other options and people with opinions on them all.  Your agency can completely make or break your experience - and each one is very different.  Choose wisely. (How's that for a super vague, not-helpful answer?)

How did you decide what needs your family could handle?

Well, truthfully, when it comes right down to it - we chose Cate - and none of her needs were on our "we can handle this" list.  We had hydrocephalus down as a "willing to discuss" should we receive a referral that had this in their medical file.  For us, this part of the process was met with a lot of guilt.  Thankfully, our social worker was wonderful and helped eliminate a LOT of this when she said - you have to consider the other kids in your home, what you can financially commit to - and what your family has the flexibility time-wise to manage. This isn't the same as a bio baby where you don't get a choice.  This is what was hard for me - obviously if a child growing inside of my body had any diagnosis no matter how severe or bleak the outcome looked - it wouldn't make a lick of difference. Yet here Nate and I sat with a three page list of needs that we had to check off basically "willing to parent".  We did lots of research, lots of praying - and our original "openness form" contained a list of things we felt we could mentally, emotionally, financially care for. When we saw Cate on rainbowkids -  what her file said didn't matter.  We know lots of other families who saw their sweet babies faces this way - and never looked back. 

** After our trip to China and meeting all the incredible kiddos from our group - and some groups not with our agency - Nate and I both agreed our openness was based on fear too.  There wasn't one single baby that we met that felt "scary."  I think a lot of times, special needs - of any kind - seem scary on paper, or even from afar - simply because it is so unknown.  (I have no idea if this makes sense.)  There is a lot that comes with parenting a medically different kiddo - and some of it is intimidating - but it is SOOO worth it. 

Do you want to adopt again?  Do you want more bio babies?  Do you want more kids? Are you done?

HA!!! This is probably the question we get asked the most after "can you believe she is here?"  When it comes to family planning - if you must know -- we have adopted (no pun intended) the "evaluate after each addition" motto.  We always said we wanted a big family - and then we had Skyar. HA! Babies are lots and lots (and LOTS and LOTS) of work.  With each addition comes a new set of challenges, a new normal, a new adjustment period.  We are still in the adjustment period I would say - finding our new groove. Cate's doctor visits are starting to settle down and we are able to schedule set therapies, Skylar and Wyatt are in a good groove at school - so for right now we are just enjoying our time as a family of five.   I would be totally lying if I said my heart feels "done".  Although this answer also totally changes based on the time of day, attitudes of the hour,  and overall mood in my home when this question is asked. (Right??)  I truly think adoption changed everything for me.  Knowing the need that is there for families - it feels very hard to say - "no more".  We will have to see what the future holds for us.  Adoption, bio babies, fostering, helping others through the adoption process - I don't know - all I know is we have the desire to be open to whatever we feel God calls our family too - even if it seems completely nutso to the people watching our crazy train. 

I mean, it is so easy to coordinate three looking and smiling in a family photo - what's a few more, right??

Love y'all! xoxo

Three Months Post Gotcha Day

Has it really been three months?  I saw some pictures of Cate while we were in China this week and I literally barely recognized her.  It's true she was "happy" with us even in China - which we weren't anticipating - but having her home now for this long, and seeing how truly joyful she is - makes me wonder what was really going through her head when we were over there. I think she was way more nervous and scared than we realized.  

This month has brought lots of new words and phrases - which still blows my mind knowing that the portion of her brain that is most affected by her diagnosis is the part that controls her speech.  I'll tell you what it doesn't control.  The ability to say the word "no," "stop,"  "mean" (she says this when she doesn't get her way), and "maaammmaaaa, Wy-iiiitttt" (which is what she does anytime she is tattling - no matter who she is telling on - she always says Wyatt's name.  She tattles to me a lot on Nate when he tells her "no" and she tattles on me equally to whoever will listen.  It's really pretty hilarious most of the time - but at the end of the day can be equally as annoying. HA!

She consistently says "Good mor-nan!" everytime we get her out of bed - even at nap time - which is probably one of my favorite things to hear her say.  She says it with a southern accent - which makes it even cuter if that is possible.  She also learned to say "watch you [me]" "look" "Momma/Daddy's home!" "I do it" "momma, hold you/help you" "nap time" "lemme see it" "good boy, Knoxie" "good job, Wy-it" "come on, Momma, let's go" "blesh you"  "I do it, Momma" "bye, see ya" "night night" if we say "I love you!" her responses is "yes! I know!" (why, I have no idea!) and she has pretty much learned that most things that start with a gentle "Momma" and end with "please" will result in her getting what she asks for.  We've done a great job of making her not the princess of this house.  [eyeroll.]  She also says "why" all.day.long.   I don't think she has a clue what she is asking - but she hears everyone else say it - so why not her?

This month we had a lot of follow up appointments regarding her official diagnosis - and therapies we can pursue for her - and while no official therapy has started yet (next week) - we have a list of things we want to try to start with her over the coming months.  She has just continued to astound us with what she is attempting to do.  She is using her right arm more and more - even sometimes without being prompted.  She often isn't successful in her attempts to actually "do" things with her hand - but with enough cheering she is just as happy to try.  

She really misses her siblings while they are at school.  Wyatt is gone three days a week - and she says "Wy-it at kool" the entire day when he is gone.  "Momma - Wy-it at kool?  Wy-it at kool (sad face)"  When we pick Skylar and Wyatt up after school you would have thought she hadn't seen them in a month of Sundays - she screams "HIIIIIIIIIIIIII" at the top of her lungs.  I am pretty sure the people who run car line think I have someone pitching a fit every time I pull up - but she really is happy - although happy squeals and mad squeals sound very similar.   

We went to the zoo several times this month - and she really enjoys being outside.  I am super excited for the three days of fall we might get in Florida when I can actually enjoy being outside with her instead of trying to convince her its too hot to be out.

This month we survived our first sickness.  Cate had a (very mild, thank God) stomach bug.  In the days that followed - I couldn't help but be really sad about how she handled it.  I think this was one of those things that made me realize - I have no idea how in the world she was treated before she came to us.  I believe, in my heart, that she was loved and taken care - but there is just something different about having a momma and daddy.  There were two things that made me really sad. First, she didn't cry for anyone.  She literally got sick (at the exact same time I was laying her down in bed) and she didn't cry.  She didn't reach up for me.  She just laid there.  Which initially I thought - oh, she knows I saw that happen - and knows I will pick her up and help her.  But two other times that night - she was sick -and never cried.  In fact, Skylar woke up to go to the bathroom and happened to notice on her way to out of the girls room and woke us up.  Otherwise - we never would have known. It made me reflect on the fact that when she poops in her diaper after we put her down - she never cries.  We always end up smelling it - cause girlfriend's body has not completely adjusted to American food and I'm pretty sure the next city over could smell it - but she never complains, cries, or calls out for help.  It makes me wonder how many times she has slept in a mess and had to wait until morning.  Breaks my heart.   

The other thing that made me really sad was her reaction to spilling a snack.  She has always loved opening the pantry and just looking - I mean, some days she stacks tuna cans and carries them around in a lunch box all day - but I never really thought twice about it.  She also chipmunks food -  even an hour after a meal I'll notice her chewing and I'll say "what are you chewing on" and she will use her tongue to pull food out of the back of her mouth - where she is saving it?? So when she spilled a little snack she was eating at the table - and I picked up the little pieces off the floor and threw them out and she instantly burst into tears - I thought - oh my goodness -she thinks she is going to be hungry.  I quickly got another snack for her and when I brought it to her - she let out a sigh that had pent up for all almost-three years of her life.  She seriously thought she was going to be hungry.  No doubt in my mind she was worried that would be her last bit of food for the day...or however long.  

While it is easy to see that this girl has no shortage of food - it's these little moments that make us realize she has been affected - no matter how well she was loved in her earlier situation - by not having parents who could give her the care that only a family truly can.  

Cate wants to do whatever  the big kids are doing.  If we are baking - we give her bowls of water and small amounts of ingredients.  We let her help mix and pour.  If we are eating and someone else gets a different topping or side dish than what she has on her plate - she always reaches out and wants the same thing.  If they are doing a dance move, playing with a toy, or getting attention for something - she needs to do the exact.same.thing.  It is the sweetest thing how - for the most part - Skylar and Wyatt aren't the least bit bothered by it.  They are almost always the first one to notice if she does something new or different - and they are the biggest cheerleaders when it comes to her accomplishing something - especially  if it involves that hand they know she struggles to use.  Its the greatest thing to see them all bonding so well.

Cate has learned that as a member of this family - she will be forced to watch football every weekend - and as long as it involves snacks (which doesn't it always?) she totally doesn't mind.  I mean, how cute is she?

This month we went to the beach [finally!] for the first time since being home.  I had been hesitant to plan a big family trip because I know she has some sensory/texture aversions and I just knew we would pack everything up and get everyone there and she would freak and my other two would be sad to leave their favorite place instead of playing all day long.  Nothing about leaving the beach after going to the effort of loading up three kids - with all three crying kids - or staying while two had a ball and the other one cried sounded like a great idea to me.  So I waited until we had a day with no appointments - and we went just the two of us.  While I wouldn't say she loved it right away - I know with a couple more visits she will end up really enjoying herself.  I was surprised with how long she played and smashed sand castles.  I was actually able to get her to use her right hand for almost an hour and so basically we had "therapy" at the ocean. I mean, no complaints here!

This month has been so sweet to see her little personality emerge more and more - and to really just be able to sit back and watch our family and friends get to meet her and see that really - what you see is what you get. She just is such a little light and full of so much joy it really is hard to believe we have only been her family for three months.  I know Nate is tired of hearing me say - but seriously - we are so blessed and I can't believe she is finally here and this is her.  I can't believe how God has answered prayer after prayer - and I can't believe how many times we have been able to share our story - and how many people we have been able to meet through this process.  We are so very very thankful and blessed.